Written to my younger daughter on 4 December, 2017. And I've yet the courage to send it.
Today is your birthday.
It’s a special one.
Special because 19 is the age at which
My Mother decided to keep me.
Special because we are apart
And this marks a year since having seen you.
It sounds not nearly as ridiculous as it is.
Absolutely. Truth be told
I sold my soul to hold you.
Achoo. And you were born.
Bless you, child.
Sworn to secrecy invetro
I smiled when you first cried
Breaking the sound barrier
Calling bullshit out the gate
I believed you.
We naively deceived and said we'd never leave you.
This is true to new love.
Infinite for a minute
Until timeless becomes fleeting
Becomes numb to always needing
Becomes treating parenthood like jury duty.
Becomes work marriage
You used to sit in your playpen.
Confined for a time pissed off.
Pacified gossamer blanket held
To your face as if trying to hush the Phoenix.
Bouncin rockin at a pace dependent upon
The number of things you were trying to let go of.
Passing out with a diaper full of haha fuck you very much.
I recall very happy very hard times.
Working nights watching suns
Shine through daughters
In spite of drama generations in the makin
Unfamiliar family dynamic I was unable
To see the breaking happen
How you got taken out of the equation
And accepted as esoteric wisdom. Hidden.
Obscured from view by insecurity and enabling
Forbidden fruit salad. Force-fed you faith.
Hell, we were way too judgemental.
I guess just being as we were meant to.
You are an angel heaven sent you
To save yourself from a heritage of helplessness
Love loves hate and as much as
I hate to upset you.
I'll simply say love's gonna get you.
And when it does maybe you'll get it.
And it may even hurt to admit
But when the dolphin in your heart does backflips
Neither the color nor gender of the ocean alone will matter.
You will just dive. Passing the point of no return.
Willing to drown to understand it's depths.
Hold your breath precious as I've held you
For it, too, may save you from the surface.
And should you absolutely have to sacrifice loving yourself,
Just love what's left until you're ready
To receive what's right.
And what's right and what's wrong
mean less than what's light and what's heavy.
For it all rises and falls. It all dies and evolves.
Just as you're ready to graduate to activate
Magic with new problems to solve.
Women are problems and men are problems with balls.
And regardless of the solution,
Just be true to you. Easy breezy, beautiful.
Keep connected with meditation.
Ledditgo. The safety of your soul is solely your job.
I led you down the path as far as I could see.
And as far as I can see, your candle is burning.
Make a wish. Make it work. .